washwords

Joserra’s story (my tour guide on a hike through the Basque Country, 2002)

This man, he was called Greg Smith, and his wife was very beautiful and he said that he wanted to run with the bulls, how could I help him sign up for that, and would I do it, too?

I did not want to do it but he, the man, Greg Smith, says his wife will not let him, but if I say yes, then we both can go. So I agree, but… a disgusting feeling was growing.

on the day of the running, i see greg smith and his wife, standing very close. I think she is giving him a goodbye kiss but no, he says to me, “Josera, I’m very sorry, but my wife says I can’t go.”

So that is how I ran with the bulls, by myself.

Well, that is neither here nor there.

Do you know of a band called the J. Giles Band? I think that this is the most excellent American band.

Dear _____,
Today I walked through a misty silver forest, knee deep in orange and brown fallen leaves, past stone walls, tinkling sheep, laughing baking villagers,

and I thought:

You should be here.

and I laughed over vino and gateau basque in espanol/anglais/francais, and I was golden, delighting people, the way I once did you, walking over velvet lush rolling hills, the softest place I’ve ever seen.

I missed you.
and you
missed me.

“ So, journalist, eh?” the guy chewing on the swizzle stick across the table from me was saying to me.

“Yes, yes,” I sighed. I didn’t know well enough then. Didn’t know not to engage this sort of fellow.

He snorted. “Well, I can ask good questions,” he boasted. “Just try me! I bet I can ask better questions than you. Oh, I know – a contest!”

I got that feeling in my throat. I wanted to cry.
But I didn’t. And I didn’t yet know: This isn’ how it’s supposed to feel. If you want to cry within the first few minutes of a date, you shouldn’t stay.
But stay I did.

And I let him ask questions that escalated in their riskiness, in their personal nature, in their shock value.

He asked me all the standard Grade A “Truth and Dare’ throwaways: Where was the first place, the most crazy place, the place you always wanted to? What’s the best lie you ever told? What would you cheat for?

It reminded me of eighth grade, playing scruples with my best friend J and our two best guy friends. Little did I know they’d be the first of many fake boyfriends I’d have throughout my life.

Swizzle Stick’s questions didn’t shock me actually at all, nor did they impress me or particularly pique my interest.

What it did do was annoy me. I felt invaded, intruded upon, for of course, I was.

Then he went to the biggie, a gleam in his eye.

“On a scale of one to ten,” he smirked, “how attracted would you say you are to me, right now?”
He sat back, utterly pleased with himself, oozing pride.
I grimaced, actually flinched. It was that painful.
But I did not leave.

He smiled, almost cruelly, and drummed his fingers infuriatingly on the table top.
“Oh, I can’t answer that. I don’t know,” I stammered.

“No really. Mizz Journalist! Do it, you can say. C’mon.” He pushed, I resisted. It would have been romantic, a mating dance if it weren’t so utterly terrorizing.
“C’mon,” he needled, “Just say a number… 1 to 10, c’mon!”

I squirmed, stared, started, bit my lip to keep the words inside, but still, I didn’t leave.

“Fine, I don’t know, 6.” I’d inflated the number it should go without saying. Substantially. Why, I’m not sure I could say, even now, some several years later.

He nodded. He smiled. He took it all in. “hmm…” The smirking continued.
“Well,” he started, though I hadn’t asked for reciprocation, and certainly didn’t want it. “Well, I would have given you a 9, but… you’re not very confident, so I lowered it. I give you a 7.5.”

I didn’t leave. Still.