4 Jul, 2008
calm calves clear climbing colors exercise love meditation mental health peace stairs walking wash writing x365 zen
I tried meditation. A bunch of times. It helped, if for nothing else that for sitting sans computer in the quiet and kindness. But I couldn’t relax, couldn’t focus on meditating, focused on the noise I was making, the meditation I wasn’t doing, racing, racing thoughts.
I went for a one-on-one with the leader of the class, who suggested I try walking meditation. I liked the idea. But I didn’t try it.
A few months later, work launches a stairclimbing challenge. Simultaneously and separately, my sweetie and I decide to start walking on the paths behind his house or the city streets toward the Mall near mine. I am walking, more and more, beyond my walks to and from work.
And it is working. Beyond strong calves I feel calm coming in. Clear. Zen.
It is the most beautiful color of all.
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Note: Happy 4th to all!!! I have also added a few posts to X365.
3 Jul, 2008
dependence feminism friend independence love mental health poetry trust writing
In college, contemplating and confronting so many things at one – love, feminism, liberty, life — I began my wonderings about independence.
I wrote poetry in bluegreen notebooks:
“ Dependent, from Latin,
meaning: to hang from
So tonight I am wondering:
Do I hang from you? “
Hanging from was not a good thing, I concluded then. I would not hang from, not from him or anyone.
So I didn’t. Didn’t say “I love you.” Didn’t love fully. And didn’t hang from.
I thought it would protect me. From hurt, from risk, from giving too much, losing myself, blending into another. But the walls I built were sheer and cool and blew over in the wind. They were poor fortresses.
In came the stabs and embraces and hurts and loves of the people around me, whether I wanted them or not, whether I depended or not.
I am still careful with loving, with depending. I am an independent woman, with a good job, real estate , a life, a world. To me, that’s the easy part.
Being a “dependent woman” of sorts – depending on and being depended on – has been harder to learn. And it’s been 4th-of-July-fireworks explosively fufilling – a kind of love that grows and widens and stuns and satiates. I am still learning to hang from, to trust I won’t blow over or become an unnecessary appendage. Sometimes I do fall. And sometimes, if I let them, someone or someones catches me.
2 Jul, 2008
blue colors depressed depression despondent emotion family friend hang in there head heart how to hurt hurting life is good links logic love mental health poetry reason sad writing WW friends
I haven’t been writing as much lately. Yes, I’ve been busy with work and work and work. Yes, I’ve been trying to learn about some other facets of the internet to grow my blog and make it better, perhaps even profitable.
But also, I’ve been blue. Deep, beautiful, aquamarine blue, in my core. Read the rest of this entry »
