washwords

This post on dcist made me remember my long-compiled metro snark list. So consider this the first 26. there’s about 26 million more:

my rules for metro conversations (and behavior)
1)don’t have them.
2) if you must have them, whisper.
3) fine since you’re going to ignore me anyway, can you at least try to follow the basic rules of human decency (pretend to be human for a minute:

• a) no drunk girls (sorry, snarky misogynist, and yes i’m female, side coming out)
• b.) NO girls pretending to be drunk (way way worse offense than actual drunkeness) because “like omigod, imsodrunk, i totally didn’t know what i was doing.” I detest girls (yes GIRLS, not womyn or women so don’t rant at me) who have to pretend to be drunk to be remotely sexual. boring.
• c) no YELLING.
• d) ESPECIALLY no YELLING when the person is standing right next to you.
• e) if a call drops or doesn’t connect more than twice STOP TRYING!
• f) no more than two calls or people talked to in any given metro ride.
• g) no being mean, obnoxious or “informative” to the metro bus driver. I’m talking to you “IT’S CALLED BUNCHING!!! WHEN ALL THE BUSES COME TOGETHER” chica
• h) no name-dropping.
• i) especially no name-dropping if you’re a 12-year-old intern who WORKS ON THE HILL
• j) if there are seats on the train or bus and it’s crowded you HAVE to file in and sit down. no “i don’t feel like sitting”. the rest of us do and we don’t feel like having you in our face when there’s plenty of room elsewhere. file in people.
• k) no clusterfcking. period. c’mon really.
• l) no stopping in: doorways, bottoms or tops of escalators), narrow passageways meant for walking not standing
• m) no looking behind you when walking. WHAT?
• n) no standing unnecessarily close to anyone. c’mon really, i know im a city girl now but is it THAT confusing that people don’t want you standing all up on them. really?
• o) (gotta keep going now) no making out.
• p) no standing backwards on the escalator making out with your sweetie, holding hands or otherwise making a mega-nuisance of yourself.
• q) P applies double if you’re 15.
• r) P applies quadruple double triple if you’re 15 AND with your parents.
• s) No talking to your friends at the other end of the car
• t) no SPRAWWWWWLLLINNGGG out with your papers, bags, food, big ol self
• u) no gum chomping
• v) no strollers, bikes, large parties at rush hour when you don’t have to be there
• w)no pushing. especially old people and children. (don’t smirk. i’ve seen it)
• x) no letting your child “play” by the edge of the platform, run screaming through the cars, yell.
• y) no space-cutting. everyone takes their spot on the platform. stay there. when the train comes along don’t dart in front of the people patiently waiting their turn. especially if you’re an Important Businessman, cutting off some nice normals. oh and bonus Z: no running! jesus. wtf? there’ll be another one!
• z) Thank you for choosing WMATA 🙂

see snark vs. lark for more of me at my snarkiest.