Tag Archive for colors

dreaming pink diamonds

I’ve never really been a girly girl. God knows I’m no tomboy (that would imply being sporty, which I am not) but ribbons, make-up, heels, shopping? eh.

Likewise for jewelry. It’s not that I don’t spoil myself or like the finer things but… spas and five-star hotels are more my weakness than flashy fashions or gems.

Usually.

When I was married, I came to love the sparkly diamond. I missed it when it was gone. But it, much like I probably was to my then inlaws, was a curiousity. I never fully understood or recognized it. It wasn’t fully me. People would tell me it was big or it was a particular cut and I would stare back, “mmm?” I had no words, no expertise in this arena.

pink by Peter on flickr

So it was a surprise that this time around, I’ve been dreaming diamonds. Pink diamonds. Pink like the color, not of the sunset but of the glassy sea in the twilight of the shore. I didn’t even know such a thing existed (till, blush, I looked it up and found it). I’ve dreamed the platinum antique setting – delicate, wiry, dreamed the bliss of it on my finger and the serenity of real, profound joy.

There is some sadness in joy, my wise friend “A” told me on that other long-ago wedding day. And behind this glassy pink sea is sorrow, too. I am sorry that I didn’t know how to love like this before, sorry that I didn’t know that than, or know at least enough to say I wasn’t ready. I am sad that gold and big didn’t ever fit me right, though I wanted desparately to meld with that ring.

I mourn the lives we didn’t create together, the one that flickered in shared laughs, late-night talks and true, real friendship. And I hope, deep in the core of my being that you are finding your own glassy pink sea and that it is smooth and sparkly and sacred. I hope it suits you and brings you the surprising joy my dreams of pink diamond oceans have brought me. Mine is a joy of lessons learned, rock-solid friendships, love hard found and yet as comfortable as that warm sea, as ancient and as deep.

Thank you.

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Green (it’s not easy being)

Green. Green is lush, rich, rolling meadow morning softness. Green is enviro -friendly, future-oriented, the color of money, the color of life, of springtime, gems – emerald , malachite, jade.

Photo “Please don’t move” by Zespira L. on Flickr

But green is deep, sneaky, possessive, emerald powerful jealousy.

Green is the dark hate I feel for girls who get to wear short skirts without puffy ankles or knees.
Green is someone else getting the call, the moment, the power.
Green is the sickening despair of not being noticed, not being enough, not mattering.
Green is stronger, less forgiving then blue.

It cannot see its dewy deep beauty, which is too bad. Strong as it is, it could be so much stronger, if it could see.
Green. Green has so much.

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Clear (Walking meditation)

I tried meditation. A bunch of times.  It helped, if for nothing else that for sitting sans computer in the quiet and kindness. But I couldn’t relax, couldn’t focus on meditating, focused on the noise I was making, the meditation I wasn’t doing, racing, racing thoughts.

I went for a one-on-one with the leader of the class, who suggested I try walking meditation. I liked the idea. But I didn’t try it.

A few months later, work launches a stairclimbing challenge. Simultaneously and separately,  my sweetie and I decide to start walking on the paths behind his house or the city streets toward the Mall near mine. I am walking, more and more, beyond my walks to and from work.

And it is working. Beyond strong calves I feel calm coming in. Clear. Zen.

It is the most beautiful color of all.

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Note: Happy 4th to all!!! I have also added a few posts to X365.

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