Tag Archive for calm

Freedom From Face(book)

Given the ennui I’d been feeling, the cabin fever (I mean a week in the cabin, great,  but that 9th or 10th day starts hurting….), I could see it starting.  I was on a superslick luge track to gold medal snarkery.

Sure, I was proud. I mean this is what I trained for, right? My years apprenticing at the snarktory, my nights by the fire practicing my craft. Don’t get me wrong. I was up for it. I know my abilities to sear veins with vitriol, microsurgery to the heart of the heart. (Oh, did I mention? Scorpio! In my soul.)

And plus, I was Right. About every. single. thing. Every Facebook argument anyone implied (by breathing, coughing, not breathing, not coughing) they wanted to have.  And I was ready to battle.  Think  Lost is the world’s best TV show;  blue your favorite color, Beyonce, the world’s best singer??  Uh, no. Incorrect. FAIL. You suck. Lemme tell you why. In 27 points.

Think you know the most about snowflakes, government shut downs, politics, movies. You don’t.

I do. And I can’t bear to let you think so for a minute. Why? Because you’re wrong. WRONG!!!

But the thing was all this rightness wasn’t making me less blue, nor less tired, nor more proud. It was just making me mean. and tired. and empty.

I sat watching the scrolling letters of facebook / twitter/ blog feeds / email/ texts… I felt my teeth clench, knuckles tighten into a ball, eyes strain and bluegray washing over all the very rightness and joy and success I thought I’d been wanting to celebrate.

And suddenly, rising over the foggy, snarky, venomous place, Read the rest of this entry »

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Luna de Miel

I’m honeymooning.

Not literally. Yes, we’re planning our fabulous England/Scotland honeymoon (Bath – York – Edinburgh – highlands – glasgow-london. heee!) but that’s not what I mean.

Life is sweet –even when I’m tired and work is… work and it’s too hot and/or too cold (jon stewart’s line: hits by grandma, featuring “Its suffocatingly hot” and the B side, “now I’m too cold”) and the grass isn’t mowed and we have to do laundry and grocery shop and the car has a rumble… there’s a peace and a beauty I’ve not felt in so long… maybe ever.

It’s making you a sandwich though you say you’re fine, because I know it’s what you need; it’s you telling me “I got it” and that I know you do. It’s watching you write out cards and scroll through books and spreadsheets and maps, for us; and merging those cards with my own. It’s yard-saling, the perfect rhythm of my energy for selling and yours for packing and clearing. It’s walking with weights and strolling with woofs, our steps and words echoing as we move.

It’s holding my niece, crayons in one fist, new shirt I bought her dragged along in the other, playing in the grass and breezes, hearing her hearty laugh.

It’s friends, who sail in and out, but are there, always.

It’s working out physically in the gym and emotionally at meditation and feeling change if not seeing it quite yet.

So there’s still the orange line, the pointy bags, the close talkers. And there’s still work and trying to prove myself and help others thrive and learn. And there’s undone blogs, and “nights” I fall asleep at 4 p.m., and the missed opportunity of a deal unsnagged, but still…
there is still and peace and calm and… love.

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Politically. Correct.

Oh Hai. Remember me?

Probably not, save the five of you faithful friends who keep checking lo these many weeks. And mom. Hi mom! Shout out to mom!!!

Anywho, it’s been more than a month I’m sad to say and I don’t even have a good excuse. Just… well… life.  In a good way, life has been…. happening!  It’s allllll good. No, seriously, it’s ALL good, really good, joyousness.

I’m getting married, moving in finalllllly with my love (shh, don’t say anything. you’ll jinx it), have reconnected with tons of old friends (thanx facebook!), and making new ones in the way i love best, through long shared writing (thanks election and funny long political email chains enabling bright fun people to reveal their best selves).

And even better… good is all around me. Babies are being born, brides seem to be multiplying all around me, my beloved niece “bucket” is starting to talk and make faces and have a spirit, a true self.

Work is quieting down, papers are starting to fall into place and although there’s one final step left (or two) towards my much-anticipated new chapter, I am starting to breathe again.

Because the other thing is… the reason it was so hard to be here, especially so in October… is because it’s tough to be apolitical (as my government job and all journalistic jobs before it) require when it matters so much. So very much. I’m a cynic (again, job requirement of journalism); I voted how I voted and hoped for the best but inside I was unconvinced it really truly mattered. Until this time. When it did. When it does.

And I am breathing again.

Yes, the economy is bad; yes, we’re feeling it directly and see plenty hit harder everyday; yes, much like my much-anticipated next personal chapter we’re a step, or two, or twelve away. But it’s coming.  I can feel it. And I can breathe again.

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