washwords

I’m on holiday. Taking a few extra days to recover from niece-watching.

Things are going well. Really well. The bucket-sitting was so wonderful – bonding and laughing and playing with my niece, and furthermore my sister, who I probably haven’t spent that much time with since high school.  I came home to my love and plans and talk and joy about the future we’re building together….

And I have time off. Time to finally get the (heh) wheels in motion to getting my license, time to clean up, get organized, began the preparation/thinking about moving. Time to get a massage or pedicure, time to get the paperwork in order I’ve been wanting time to do, to finally get organized. So…. things are great!

And yet….

Story of my life right? Having a vacation is not always such a vacation. If I’m doing chores and errands, I’m thinking that I should have been doing something else, making more of it. If I’m relaxing, I’m feeling guilty that I’m not hard at work on a task.

Oh and there’s the fact that I went in to work. I’m representing my fellow writer-editors at my job and this time, this moment is a big one. Things are happening, change and peace and better times/healing for my much aggrieved group are on the horizon. Trouble is we are a group fused together with tension at a time of much anxiety. Lots of  emotions are lingering from The Past, lots of anger, misunderstanding, fear. And while expressing that is the only way past it, some of it’s coming out in a big fiery mess, aimed at each other; other feelings need to be coaxed out, sweetly, patiently. So I’m trying to do that and not desert at this critical time. It’s a lot, when you want the numbers to be convincing and solid as well; when you think you know what might be best but don’t want to lead the question.

Anyway, it’s not that I’m not enjoying the time off completely. And actually going in on the sly without telling anyone was great. And I did get a bunch of errands done. And am able to attend the calling hours for a friend’s mother’s funeral which would have been hard otherwise. And watched some great episodes of Roseanne and Flipping out and had great talks with my sweetie, and cooked dinner, and went shopping and to appts., and tomorrow I get working on that license thing. And I am making a difference at work. And moving towards an exciting future with my love.

Hopefully, some day soon, it will feel that way, too. And I won’t need a vacation from vacation or unhappiness to feel comfortable in my happiness.